Thursday, 22 July 2010

Inception - Cineworld - 22/7/10

Studio Executive: CHRIS! Baby. Get in this motherfunkin' office. I CANNOT get enough of YOU. Damn it. "The Dark Night"! Holy shit, I cannot tell you how much money you made us with that.

Chris Nolan: Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. I thought it was a really layered piece...

SE: Seriously. We cashed in on that thing. HA! I mean, I personally made so much money from that that I can afford to take a bath IN money. Then I burn it.

CN: Right. So, thanks again, I thought that Heath was...

SE: Who?

CN: Heath. Heath Ledger?

SE: Remind me again.

CN: He played the role of "The Joker"

SE: Sure! The Joker. Right. Whoah, we sold a bazillion lunch boxes with that guys face on. I should call him and say THANK YOU.

CN: Um. Heath died.

SE: He did. Sad. But you're still here Chris. So let's talk MONEY. Batman 3...what's the scoop.

CN: Oh, no. Actually I wanted to talk about this other idea I had.

SE: Another idea?

CN: Yes. It's a blockbuster thriller about...

SE: Lemme stop you there Chris. Does this have any superheroes in it at all?

CN: Well, no but I'm not a genre director. I can do other things.

SE: Sure, sure, of course. You're the MAN Chris. Everyone here loves you. And we love the MONEY you made us with that "Dark Knight" thing. Sure it had a really awful performance from Christian and a ludicrous voice especially and sure the whole two boats thing was just stoopid but damn it YOU MADE US MONEY! So, tell me more...I'm listening.

CN: You didn't think that "Dark Knight" was a unique take on the superhero movie genre? A Kubrickian vision of the tortured soul of the "Batman"?

SE: Chris, I'm gonna level with you. I did not think that. I do NOT think that. I will NOT think that. But, luckily for you lots of critics at the broadsheets did and a whole bunch of kids like seeing shit getting blown everyone is happy. Now, shoot!

CN: Er, well, it's called "Inception" and it's about planting ideas into the dreams of other people and it will be...wait, did you see "The Matrix" and "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"?

SE: I did. "The Matrix" also made us a shitload of money. "Sunshine" didn't but Jim is a cash machine so we let him off the rails every now and then, you know what I mean?

CN: Right. Well, I want to make that movie.

SE: What movie Chris?

CN: "The Matrix" meets "Eternal Sunshine..."

SE: Really?

CN: Yes. It will be an intelligent, post-modern, philosophical blockbuster...

SE: What the hell. You made us a load of money before. Go knock yourself out.

12 months later

SE: So, Chris...let's see what ya got for us.

CN: I don't want to be presumptious but I think you are going to really "dig" this. It's VERY clever.

SE: Uh-huh.

What seems like 24 hours later.

CN: Didn't I tell you? Clever right?

SE: Chris. I may have given you the impression during our conversations that I am a moron interested only in making money. That IS true but I also know a bit about movies. Lemme tell you something...and I mean this sincerely Chris...THAT WAS A STINKING PIECE OF PRETENTIOUS BULLSHIT. It was also, and I do LOVE you Chris, BORING as hell.

CN: Ha ha ha ha ha. You kidder.

SE: Chris. I am not joking. You appear to have disappeared so far up your own ass that you are now self-digesting.

Let me add my own voice to that of the studio executive.

Chris Nolan is not, as the Guardian tried to claim, the new Stanley Kubrick. He is, in fact, M. Night Shyamyalamadamadingdong. A man who made one excellent film and is now practising the law of diminishing returns. Honestly, this film was beyond bad. It was simply awful.

I feel sorry for everyone in it and more so for everyone who goes to see it.

The emperors new clothes.

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