Thursday, 13 January 2011

The Next Three Days - Cineworld, Edinburgh - 13/1/11

Russell Crowe is John Brennan.

John is a pretty nice guy.

He teaches at a community college.

John is married to Laura...she is beautiful and has a good job but doesn't get along with her boss.

John and Laura have a lovely little boy called Luke.

One day the police come to John and Laura's home and arrest Laura for killing her boss with a fire extinguisher.

Laura goes to prison.

When John takes Luke to visit Laura in prison Luke will not kiss Laura.

Laura wonders "Will he ever kiss me again?"

John goes a bit mental and decides that because his wife is innocent (he knows this, he just does) that he will help her to escape.

John goes to see Liam Neeson.

Liam Neeson is a man who has escaped from prison and written books about it.

Liam Neeson has a scar.

John asks Liam Neeson about how he escaped and foolishly reveals his true agenda.

Liam Neeson tells John everything he needs to know about escaping from prison.

John helps Laura to escape from prison and they go to Venezuela with Luke.

Luke kisses Laura.

Back in America the police start to think Laura might have been innocent.

In the cinema an audience member is so enraged by how predictable, formulaic and just plain awful this film is that he sets fire to the screen, breaks into the projection room, burns the master copy of the film, drives to every other cinema in the country that is showing it and burns their copies, kidnaps Russell Crowe (you don't need to know how) and holds him for ransom...he threatens to keep Russell captive unless the writer, director and studio executive who green lit this project promise never, ever to make another film.

Sadly the most exciting bit of this review is the last paragraph and it is the only bit of the review that isn't true...except for the bit about "The Next Three Days" being predictable, formulaic and just plain awful.

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