Saturday, 18 December 2010

Monsters - Cineworld - 17/12/10





We are inside the office of a leading Hollywood studio executive.  Gareth Edwards is pitching his script "Monsters"

Studio Exec:  OK, so Gareth, I see from the title of this project that it is called..."MONSTERS".  Tell me more.

Gareth Edwards:  Great.  Right, well...the film is about the environment, it's about foreign policy, it's about the bloated greed of America and the UK and the other developed nations...

SE: Stop.  Gareth.  You are a well respected "effects" kinda guy.  You seem very nice.  However, I have to tell you that right now I am less than ten seconds away from gouging out my own eyes with the severed foot of a dead monkey.

GE:  Oh.  Really?  This is an intellig...

SE:  Gareth.  Gareth.  I promise you that if you do not tell me something to make me interested in this I will physically hurt you.  Speak.

GE:  Ah, right...well, it's also about the common bonds between us and...


GE: Um, no, no I don't.

SE:  That is the noise that you will make when I take this decorative letter opener from my desk and use it to carve my name into your lungs.

GE:  Right, right, right...well there are monsters in the movie.

SE:  OK.  OK.  Gareth.  Baby!  We love monsters.  Tell me more...what do they look like?  Tell me they have tentacles!

GE:  Yes, yes, they do have tentacles!

SE:  You just got yourself a cheque!  So...we have a monster movie.  Tentacles!  Aliens!  Blood!  Gore! Pack the kids into the megaplex.  YEAH!  Go make your movie kid.

GE:  Ye-es.  OK.

Sadly, on this occasion I wish that the studio had been successful and Edwards had been forced to make a movie about monsters.  There are no monsters in monsters.  Well, there are but only for about a minute of screen time...for the rest of the film we have to endure a pitiful relationship between two pitiful excuses for human beings.

Spoilt rich girl Samantha has to get home to her spoilt rich father and her spoilt rich fiance.  She is in Mexico where aliens have landed and are being kept in an "infected zone" close to the US border...clever stuff there huh?  Everyone in Mexico is poor, desolate and desperate...Samantha towers over them with her beautiful hair and teeth, patronising them with her pigeon Spanish.  We are meant to care about Samantha because she is a girl and because she speaks pigeon Spanish.  We do not care about Samantha because she is awful.

Boring knob Kaulder (he's so cool he uses a K at the start of a name that should, clearly, have a C) is a struggling photographer trying to find photo opportunities of poor Mexican children...preferably dead ones and, ideally, dead ones as a result of alien attacks.  He is a total git.  We are supposed to care about him because...I can't even imagine why, seriously he has absolutely no redeeming qualities.  I know he isn't real but I hate him.

We watch in stunned silence as hour after hour goes by with absolutely NOTHING happening...oh, that's not true actually because there is this amazing bit where we see glow in the dark mushrooms that live inside trees that are really the embryos of aliens.  It doesn't sound amazing?  Well, after eight hours of nothing else happening and with that nothing else happening in the company of the awful Kaulder and Samantha you will hail the glow in the dark mushrooms as the greatest moment in the history of cinema.

Look up "turgid" in the thesaurus and then use any of the alternatives you find to describe this to your friends.

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